A Breath, A Vapor

I don't have anything formal laid out for this post, but with all that this week has held, it seems necessary to write something. When it started on Monday, I thought the worst of it was going to be the insane juggling and multitasking going on at work. By 6pm, though, it became clear that this was not going to be the case.

An abdominal sonogram on my 90-year old grandmother, Teedie, at her assisted living home appeared to indicate imminent problems with her gallbladder, which called for her to go to the emergency room at Presbyterian Dallas in anticipation of surgery. So, at 9 o'clock that night, my parents and I followed the ambulance over there. Overnight, another sonogram in the ER dismissed the initial prognosis (gallbladder clear), but still left Teedie in the weakened state she entered.

Teedie has been declining in strength since she fell, broke her elbow, and lost her independence last summer (2009). Prior to that, she was living by herself in her house, driving her car, going to water aerobics, and even doing some work at the family used car business on a daily basis. In the months leading to the present, she has had a declining appetite and a gradually depressing physically and emotional state. When Monday arrived, she was roughly a week from her last real meal (aside from cans of Ensure), due to a lack of appetite. This resulted in her weighing only 77 pounds.

Thus, having admitted her into the hospital at Presby, the week continued. A blessed Tuesday followed with gracious encouragement from my team and others at The Porch. Casting Crowns has a song which says, "If we are the body, why aren't His hands reaching?..." This week, they have reached and bring me to tears with the way they have touched me, and by relation of prayers, my parents and grandmother.

Wednesday came with an apparent improvement on my grandmother's part as she awoke in good spirits and with a strong appetite. The day passed mostly positive with the only possible warnings being some marked confusion during a phone call between Teedie and my mom that evening.

This morning, though, during a 9 o'clock meeting at work, my parents called twice and left voicemails--a sign of problems--the latter of which I listened to as soon as it arrived. Subsequently, I made efforts to wrap up the meeting quickly and called my mom. During the night, Teedie began having difficulty processing carbon dioxide in her lungs which put her in a semi-comatose state. My mom was fighting the tears as she spoke with me and drove to the hospital. They placed Teedie on a ventilator and the day continued with her in a deep sleep and few windows of lucidity.

The question in my parents' minds tonight is whether they made the right decision in putting Teedie on the ventilator. Had they not, she most likely would have passed away today. But now, to what will she live? The Lord knows if and how she will, and in Him we place our trust.

Things don't always hit me immediately as they happen. I deal with crises and seem to defer the effects until a later date. The same happens with trivial things like movies; it takes me a bit to process deeper meanings and plots. In this situation, I thought the only heartache was for my parents as they watch Teedie in this state, because I feel confident that it will be the grace of God if He takes her at this time after 90 quality years of life. I still think that, but the tears welling up are more than just for my parents...I think. I know I haven't appreciated or loved Teedie as she deserved these years that she has been in my life. The Lord, through Teedie and her generosity, made so much of my life possible and opened the doors to my first laptop, college, part of the way to India, and now more than half of Brazil. I do love her; I just don't think I've known how to show it and I've been self-centered, which sacrifices time with her (and other passed grandparents) for my own desires. Lord, forgive me.

James 4 says that we are but a vapor, a breath, which passes away in a moment. Our only confidence is in the words, "if the Lord wills, we will..." And with Job we say, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised" (1:21b).

Thank you all for your prayers, your encouragement, and your support. It means more than words can say, both to me and my family. May the Lord bless you... (Numbers 6:24-26)

Ponderings from Passion 2010

After watching Louie Giglio, Francis Chan, and the worship from Passion 2010 online, I'm drawn to a number of thoughts, many of which I don't yet have answers. Here are a few...

Louie Giglio speaking on Philippians 2:

Christ has given poured everything into us. Now work it out--for it is God who works in you to will and to act for His good pleasure. Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure... Somebody has to work that out and take on this idea, "I want to be like Jesus." We want to have the opportunity to be the ones who shine like stars...and to hold out the word of life.

Excerpt from a chat with a friend:

I know (or think?) there's a place for trivial entertainment to rest, etc. I just wonder whether I mistake wasted comforts and "seashells" (to draw from Piper's DWYL) for right/proper unwinding and resting. I so infrequently eat the spiritual food of things like deep books, sermons, etc that I think I don't taste them for the rest, enjoyment, and pleasure it can be.

Another thought surrounding this:

Where is the line between "unwise" and "radical"? Assuming we are called to live radical lives for Christ, such that the world asks "why?" and thinks us foolish for it, how do I apply that? I think I may place my comforts in an entitled place when I should wager them on the table for the sake of the Kingdom.

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